Born Free

It's interesting to me how uptight the music industry has become. One of my friends the other day was talking about the fact how conservative certain musicians have become although they had been known to do drugs in the past and now make songs with Rob Thomas. Nothing against that but you know the world is harsh on those trying to change and be different. While I'm not one to root for a really violent and gory movie, I do think the purpose of showing certain violence is appropriate in some art forms to show the hypocrisy of it all.

The new M.I.A. album is getting mixed reviews. Those who look for what is new and interesting will like her new album, MAYA. It's hard, fast, and somewhat confusing. There isn't really any one song that can be called a radio worthy single but I think that is what I like best about it. Everyone made a big deal out of Paper Planes and really the only reason was because it was in Pineapple Express. MAYA is a different feel completely. It is rough sounding with beats that pound your head into the ground. The singles, if one can call them that, are XXXO and Born Free. You can feel the anger she has toward how some injustices caused by the governments she writes about. It's a pretty powerful album, and I'm happy to see she hasn't let the fame of her second album detour her style and sound as an artist. In other words for her not to be so commercialized.

As far as XXXO, I think it is the closest it will get to a single. It has a catchy hook and a good back beat. It will probably be remixed into something more radio friendly. As for Born Free it is a fast, almost hypnotizing sound, with a lo-fi wash over it. It is her hallmark to the world about how people are born free even though politics and government tend to impede that. The video for Born Free is violent and horrifying to say the least but when you have rapper commenting so much on a woman being a bitch and a ho and how to kill six guys in a drive-by it is nothing new. Youtube has pulled the video from it's web site but it is still up on M.I.A.'s myspace. The video is not defined in it's setting or reason's for the violence but it is suggestive as to portray SWAT style militarized police. I just don't understand what happened that people are so concerned with the video to have it removed. It is nothing more than what one would see in a rated R movie. Sure I understand that kids could see it but simply for that reason or is there more to it? Could it be called into question because of these SWAT style police are being shown in the video.

I just hope that people would see past what she is saying about how the super power governments of the world are treating people and want to do something and change it. Yet again we don't have artists being appreciated for that and we don't have the people to stand behind them and say yes that's exactly how I was feeling. We should want to change for the better and having our missteps and mistakes pointed out is a good thing. Isn't an outside perspective important? Born Free and freedom of speech, are supposed to be one and the same according to what we believe as Americans. I would just like the ability for artists to be able to express that without having such a high horse attitude about it. I would hope people would look for the deeper meaning. People can't tell the difference anymore between artistic expression and just being controversial. She hasn't changed who she is or how she feels about certain topics. Why does this matter all of a sudden?

I'm going to post the video and people can decide for themselves. I will warn you it is violent, there is some nudity, and it is disturbing.

You're either a Bitch or a Mother... sometimes both

So I have been called everything under the sun to somehow debase women. I'm okay with the majority of what I've been called. It just irks me that I am either labeled a mother because I help someone out or a bitch because I give my two cents. Neither label bother me. It is just annoying when men don't get the same treatment for being themselves. Oh a guy is just a ball buster if he tells it like it is and no one assumes he is too blunt or a jackass for doing it. "That's just his nature." So I'm a little bossy, and I look out for everyone's best interest. I don't want to be your mom. Saying things because I care shouldn't make me that. Is it fair? A mother should be a good thing and yet somehow it is a dirty word. Something you shouldn't be as a young woman unless you have a kid. I like being helpful and I try to be a good person. So what does it all mean? Mother = bad; bitch = bad. So if I'm not a mother or a bitch because they are so called "bad" things then why is it that I have to be both or just one at some point to get anything done in this world. I have to be a bitch to the people I deal with who don't understand that as a single woman I have rights that apply to me as well as men. I can't get people to call me back unless I act out and be angry. I yell and somehow get a blunt point across. I'm a "bitch" though. Okay I'm good with that. Fine. But don't act like it is a bad thing when nothing gets done if I don't. As someone who is a nurturer and knows it, it is very hard to turn it off. I catch myself telling my friends what to do often. So when people ask me to help, I do. Reminders, I'm there. Questions about life okay I got two cents. Then don't act surprised if I don't like something and tell you about it. Or if I think I have a solution to your problem but you don't like it. I'm sick and tired of being the bad guy. I like to have fun too. I like to let go and let loose but because I tend to think before I do and say what I think I get shit all over. Tell me, why are these such bad things? Don't act like I'm in the wrong for being me or being what any woman may want to be. A mother and a bitch. A leader and a nurturer. Be proud and don't let these words turned into ugly things. Love who you are because if you don't nobody else will.

What is really going on here?

So I didn't want to get too personal here because who cares about my life. I mean the little insignificant things. I think people care about connecting with others in their similar situation. So after many a dilemma I have come to get my masters degree. Because what else do you do when you have a quarter life crisis. I mean I don't have a direction at all. I love what I do. I work in radio but the problem is nothing is coming out really in this field that will benefit me in the future. I mean I apply for internships and fellowships. I get turned down. I'm not these over-achieving types really. I'm lucky I haven't failed out of my classes but I think I'm just not as good. What does that mean for me? Is this what I am doomed for? I wonder how many people my age are going through the same thing. When I think about it I don't assume a lot. I mean sure I have one or two friends who are not sure what they are doing but they also have not finished school. I felt like I accomplished a lot but have nothing to show for it. Will I quit? No. I can't. I have too much drive to not do it. What am I doing wrong though? I mean I have experience(maybe not enough?), I can get a good reference, and I have the degrees. Some part of me always feels like things are much easier for others. I don't mean that they don't work but they don't make it as hard on themselves to be happy and satisfied. A lot of people I know from high school have kids and jobs and good lives. It kinda makes me feel like what have I accomplished. Really? I may have the degrees but what else do I have? I feel all sorts of pressure to be fantastic and insane to get my degree, nail down a guy, get married, and having my first kid all while being the perfect student. But I'm not. I don't want to feel this deep self-loathing but I feel like when I relax and stop working toward my goals then I will not finish accomplishing them. I'm not sure what that means. I just hope that I can achieve what I desire but I guess part of that would be knowing what I want. I hope this helps others. If you feel something like this speak up please!

REVAMP...

Ah the word vamp! I would like to take it back. And I think I'm going to do so by making this blog much better! I promise to be back with better and more interesting posts. Thanks!

"You can't be a pimp and a prostitute too."

Rarely do I feel like quitting. But lately it seems to be all that is on my mind. I mean how can you enjoy and have fun in life if you are not happy with what you are doing. Recently I made the decision that I don't belong in commercial radio. I just want to talk about music and learn about all of it. But I can't do that in the position I am in. I have dozens of ideas but because I am no one's friend, didn't go to college with them, or hook them up with some stuff I am not worthy of a upper management position. So it turns out selling out doesn't get you the big bucks. I have lost faith in a lot of things but I think the worst part of this is that slowly I am losing faith in myself. Not only that but I am losing my faith in my work. I simply do not care anymore. I just feel like maybe I was lied to about my education. Lied to because everyone made it seem that once I had this degree I was going to be set for life. As I discussed before in the golden ticket blog. You know people just keep telling me, "This is how it is in your twenty something life." I just can't believe that. I can't accept that because that means I am not worthy of anything. Health insurance, a decent income(something above poverty level which I am not), and a full time job just seem to be out of my reach. So where am I to go? What am I to do? What is left for me? Everyone else has a good job and a positive outlook on their future. Where I feel like I am left standing out in the cold. There has to be more people out there that feel this way. There is no way I am the only one. And yet I feel like I am the only one speaking up. I guess all I can do from here is try my next move. I feel like my last resort in all of this but you know what that is fine. The bloom is off the rose so to speak and I see that the real world isn't all that much fun. I guess it could be someday under better circumstances but I suppose that would mean I was out of my twenties. Oh well. Time for some rest to rejuvenate myself.

Questions

The question of the evening has to be start out in a small town with a big time job or start out in a big town with a small time job? Don't know yet but I am looking forward to giving the answer.

As for the rest of you I am sure you have questions about what I was talking about in the last post. I will break them down then give them to you in bites.

So you are wondering what is this blog all about. To be honest I am not sure my self but I know what direction I would like to take this in. I am a college graduate just looking for the meaning behind my life. More often then not other things seem to get in the way of my plans. Hey it happens. But I guess what I have been most annoyed by is no one told me about the real world. I knew that starting out small or not at all was generally the way it went. I was cool with that. But no one told me that the possibility of how exactly small it would be and for how long it would be small.

My life has in no way been everything was handed to me. But my optimism has never shrunk as low as this before. I am guessing it has a lot to do with pride. Someone sort of told me that it will just be this way for two years and I should just ride it out till those years have passed. Now I question that just out of the fact that I refuse to believe that this is the standard after college. I mean really why should it be? Just because someone said so. I know have this stubborn streak of pride that runs deep within me but isn't it that one thing that gets people to the places they want to go in life. In the end I just feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting the things in life that make it good and worth while. And maybe it is wrong for me to believe and this is true I really do with all my heart believe that I deserve what I want in life. Apparently that is too much to ask right now.
So I have gone 8 months now in this horrible situation. And at first it was great because I got this job on my experience alone and well I guess my degree. The novelty of it all wore off pretty quickly. I tend to spend half my day trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I am not happy in this situation. Sometimes I rationalize by blaming other.

For example today I was on a web site used by people in the industry I am in to you know do lots of things. Like find jobs, check charting, learn from masters, and getting a feeling for popular culture. So basically it is your all in one stop shop for dealing with people in this industry. I was very annoyed by all the white old men saying this is how the industry is run and don't change it and this is the final word in it all. What is so wrong with people being creative. I can't stand it either that men are always at the forefront. So apparently I am still chopped liver and I don't deserve to be in a position of power. When I worked my ass off in school just as much as them if not harder. I was very involved and have the experience to prove it but I am still missing that certain something. Maybe it is a penis? Who knows? I can tell you right now I don't.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that my place in life is where it is at for a reason in life right now. I also realize because I am not a complete moron or lost in the idea that I myself am always partially to blame when it comes to my life. But I can't help feeling that this plays a role in my life.

What this all means right now I am not sure of. I really am just trying to work this out. So yet again the questions like in everyday life are to be continued.

Something New

I thought I would give this a try since I am under some interesting stress. I think like most people I don't always know where I am going and I tend to have a lot of questions along the way. I often wonder how to get my self out of such prediciments as I am in right now and honestly I don't care if anyone reads this. It is just nice to know that I am putting it out there. The questions that surround my head on a day to day basis.

I guess I should start from the beginning and try to work my way out of the quick sand. School has just ended and I had worked for 5 long stress full years to get myself that 18x11 piece of paper. That piece of paper that was going to solve all of my problems and save me from my life. That golden ticket to my Will Wonka Chocolate factory. I quickly learned that I am not only not Charlie Bucket with the whole factory to myself but that I am Augustus, Violet, Veruca, and Mike all rolled into one. That is pretty intense right? I mean to have your world suddenly change on a moments notice. Wait it gets more exciting.

Soon after my golden ticket receiving I ever so irrationally decided to move to a bigger better town. Forcing myself upon this great city of hustle and a little bustle because honestly it is pretty laid back. I soon realized that maybe I bit off more then I could chew (Augustus). So of course I still arrogantly went for it anyway (Violet). Promptly learning that even if I threw a fit I was no longer in the safe arms of Mommy (Veruca). And finally, feeling like a beaten dog I let go of all of my qualms and soon embraced my idiotic decision (Mike). So now here I am at the end of the tour of the factory with nothing to show for my choices but the loss of gultany, arrogance, spoilness, unfathomable stupidity. But I guess I have gained a little humility.

I am sure many of you are wondering what on earth is she talking about. I guess all I have to say to that for now is this is a man's world and all the things that I have been taught and preached about in school are now not only my downfall. But my savior as well. Savior you say but why. Honestly, I know now more then ever that I truely with all my heart believe that there is something more to my life. And for me to fight tooth and nail to get it I will. Endurance can sure be a bitch but definately a bitch you want on your side.

So to end this tale to be resumed for another day I say adios and goodnight!